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Neither cool nor a ranch

Hungry I am when I get home from work, and as I walk into the kitchen, I see on the counter an opened 13-oz. bag of Doritos. Cool Ranch Doritos.

I take the mail over to the counter, set it down, and peer into the bag. My wife has opened the bag and displayed admirable willpower, as it appears 12 of the 13 ounces of Cool Ranch Doritos remain.

Hungry I am as I sort through the credit-card offers, department store sales notices, insurance pitches, utility bills and the like, but I want to look at the newspaper before fixing myself something nutritious to eat, so as I open the paper I reach into the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos for a few.

Next thing I know I am all the way to the sports section.

Next thing I know I have eaten almost all of the Doritos.

Not wanting to leave those few Doritos in the bag because I don’t want my wife to see the nearly empty bag and think I’m a pig, I decide the only reasonable thing left to do is to eat the rest of the Doritos. So I do, including the scraps of broken Doritos that are too small to pick up in my fingers so instead I tilt my head way back, open my mouth real wide and pour the scraps into my gullet.

While holding my head over the kitchen sink, of course, in case any miss my mouth. I feel like a pelican.

I immediately assess the nutritional damage. Calories per serving, the bag says: 130.

Well, that’s not too bad.

Servings per bag, the bag says: About 13.

Let’s see, 130 times 12 is …


Then the empty bag gets my full attention.


Eating every last bit of the Doritos didn’t really improve the situation, because now, when my wife gets home, she won’t see any Doritos at all. I think maybe I’ll tell her the bag fell on the floor and the dogs ate them, but I think the odds she’ll buy that story are between slim and skinny.

So the only thing left to do is run back into town and buy another bag of Doritos.

Which I do, standing in the checkout line and chewing a big wad of minty gum. I try to keep my mouth pointed downward as the cashier insists on carrying on a conversation only slightly less complex than a Canterbury Tale. I barely open my mouth to speak, kind of hissing the words out between slit lips to avoid Dorito-breath-ing her.

I take the Doritos home, put the bag in the exact same spot on the counter and open it. Now I have to figure out about how many Doritos my wife had originally eaten so I can eat the same number from the bag and she will think it’s the same bag.

“Close enough,” I figure. The perfect crime!

Which I figured I’d gotten away with until she told me later to make sure I brushed my teeth before coming to bed.


( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 1st, 2008 11:52 pm (UTC)
Doritos are impossible to dismiss.

This was a funny, well written read. :)
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:07 am (UTC)
Thanks, Sam. Just playin' around.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)
You were so close to pulling off your dastardly plan!

Won't lie I wouldn't have noticed at all... :)
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:08 am (UTC)
I thought I'd been so clever ...
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:23 am (UTC)
Cool Ranch Doritos are never to be eaten by the recommended serving size.

I would have never thought to replace the bag, though; Chris would just have to think I was really, really hungry.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:33 am (UTC)
I guess his-and-her bags is the answer.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:26 am (UTC)
Forget covering up the crime.

If it was me, and Danielle came home from a hard day and noticed the chips gone, I would have looked her square in the eye and said, "Hey, I ate your chips. All of them too. So there."

Of course that would have resulted in me buying an economy sized bag or ice cream the next day, but nevertheless.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
How about some Doritos-flavored ice cream?
Sep. 2nd, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
Or how about running out at 10 at night to get doritos after a certain second other read your blog post. See what you've started. haha!
Sep. 2nd, 2008 02:20 am (UTC)
Bon appetit to you both!
Sep. 2nd, 2008 01:06 am (UTC)
Steve would be more surprised if I managed to resist the Doritos.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 01:15 am (UTC)
I've got to keep them out of the house. That's all there is to it.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 01:51 am (UTC)
That's usually my strategy. But note the word "usually" in that sentence.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 02:27 am (UTC)
Thank the universe, hubby and I have separate weaknesses. His is salty, crunchy stuff (as in Doritos) and mine is chocolate. I can buy, hide and then eat a dozen candy bars and no one would know but me and the bathroom scale... the stinkin' rotten liar that it is.

This was a totally fun read.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 10:43 am (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed it.

I can't keep chocolate in the house either.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 02:51 am (UTC)
You actually thought you could pull one over on your wife???? When will men ever learn ...
Sep. 2nd, 2008 10:45 am (UTC)
She knows all ...
Sep. 2nd, 2008 03:24 am (UTC)
Damn it. Now I want a bag of those crispy suckers.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 10:45 am (UTC)
Sep. 2nd, 2008 04:25 am (UTC)
The cover-up is always worse than the original crime. It is better to admit that mistakes were made and ask the country for forgiveness.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 10:46 am (UTC)
You know what they say about those who fail to learn the lessons of history.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 06:06 am (UTC)
I am so damn hungry for Doritos now. And it's only seven in the morning!
Sep. 2nd, 2008 10:47 am (UTC)
The breakfast of champions.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:12 pm (UTC)
Wow, I'll second that Minnesattva. I'm suddenly glad the UniMart across the street is closed, because if not, I may have made an emergency run. But even my Doritos cravings aren't strong enough to make me fold to the ridiculously high RC prices. Coffee will have to do.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 12:37 pm (UTC)
Maybe you could get Doritos-flavored coffee.

There's my million-dollar idea for the day.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
If I don't show up for my next class it's because I died of suggestive ecstasy.

Yes, I just made that up. I wouldn't trouble yourself too much about it.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 05:52 pm (UTC)
Great phrase.

If you bring some Doritos tomorrow, I'll buy the coffee ...
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )

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