Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

O Superman

Why does Superman always fly belly-down, with his arms stretched in front of him?

I mean, if I could fly, I’d do it in a standing position. Or, better yet, in a sitting position. Or even better, while sitting in a nice comfortable chair, like the one I sit in when I’m reading at home. It’s got big flat wooden arms, which are nice places to rest things like a glass of my favorite beverage, and it can reline, too. Flying in a chair like that, I could tip back and take a nap. It probably would be best do just hover while napping, though. Either than or go into orbit at 90,000 feet or so, so I wouldn’t bang into something like an airplane. Yeah, I know, it’s cold up there, and there’s nothing to breathe, but those things wouldn’t faze Superman.

And if I were Superman, I’d dress in regular clothes, certainly not in tights with contrasting-color shorts and a cape. I mean, why does Superman have to call attention to himself with that costume? Have you ever seen anyone in real life walking around like that, unless it’s Halloween? Wouldn’t it be cooler to be plainclothes Superman and surprise people? If you didn’t wear a costume, people wouldn’t even know about the existence of Superman. They’d just think you were really tough or really strong or whatever, and no one would ever believe in reports of a guy who could fly, so you could stay pretty much anonymous by changing your style of clothes often and, say, changing your hair color, wearing or not wearing glasses, growing a beard or not — although that takes us in an oblique fashion to the question of whether superpowers should be limited to men. Of course not. But Superwomen wouldn’t be able to grow a beard. Well, they could, but it might give their identity away, or land them in a circus. I just wanted to make sure I was clear about not limiting discussion to Supermen. In fact, you’d probably need Superwomen because it would be a drag to be Superman and go on a date with a woman who couldn’t fly or wasn’t bulletproof.

Now, we all know Superman has X-ray vision and telescope vision and super hearing, but how come we never hear about his super voice? You’d think if he were in New York, he could shout real loud to, say, Jimmy Olsen out in Los Angeles, and Jimmy would be able to hear him. Jimmy and everyone else in the rest of the 48 contiguous states, that is. And that super hearing thing probably is overrated. Think of all the crap you’d have to cut through to hear someone talking from, say, a mile away. And what if you accidentally turned on the X-ray vision instead of the telescope vision? You wouldn’t know what mile-away conversation to eavesdrop on.

Too many problems. I’m glad I’m not Superman. Although the flying part would be cool. Except I’m scared of heights. Even in airplanes. In fact, my biggest fear of flying is that I’ll someday be in the bathroom at the rear of the plane when that portion of the fuselage separates from the rest of the plane and I’ll be standing at the edge of a 35,000-foot-deep urinal. Which is why I always use the bathroom at the front of planes. If I were Superman, I wouldn’t have to worry about that.


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:23 am (UTC)
Now see, Bigfoot doesn't have these kinds of problems; he simply exists and roams the earth hidden from man. That is until man finds him, and thats only on the condition that he is dead and can't keep hidden.
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:38 am (UTC)
You've been eating too much opossum.
Aug. 18th, 2008 04:54 am (UTC)
That's a menu item in Mississippi.
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:03 pm (UTC)
Yeah: fried possum snouts.
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:41 pm (UTC)
wrong end
Aug. 18th, 2008 01:15 pm (UTC)
Possum tail sausage, must be. Yum!
Aug. 18th, 2008 04:06 am (UTC)
And then they go and do something silly and test your DNA, disproving your existence. Again. Those bothersome men keep messing around with that scientific hogwash, they're going to make being Bigfoot a much less entertaining enterprise.
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:03 pm (UTC)
I saw yesterday that McCain has picked Bigfoot as his running mate.
Aug. 18th, 2008 04:56 am (UTC)
But the great thing about being a guy is that if you were standing at the edge of a 35,000-foot urinal, you'd still be able to take care of business. Now that is super.
Aug. 18th, 2008 08:07 am (UTC)
Yeah, I was thinking that too: it'd be much worse being a lady in such circumstances.
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:05 pm (UTC)
All the more reason to get hold of some superpowers.
Aug. 19th, 2008 08:40 pm (UTC)
Do superpowers prevent wind-induced back-splash? curious minds want to know.
Aug. 19th, 2008 09:56 pm (UTC)
You could use heat vision to evaporate the droplets.
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:04 pm (UTC)
I get vertigo just thinking about it.
Nov. 17th, 2008 05:11 am (UTC)
All very problematic. But did you ever read sci-fi author Larry Niven's speculative piece, "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex"? All about what would have to happen, according to the laws of physics, should Supe ever, uh, get it on with Lois Lane. Fascinating. And instructive. Girls, stay away from superheroes.
Nov. 17th, 2008 10:53 am (UTC)
Does Niven say anything about Superman wearing a little cape around his -- ah, never mind.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

March 2017

Wish I'd Said It

Nota bene: “Fear has governed my life, if I think about it. ... I always feel like I’m not good enough for some reason. I wish that wasn’t the case, but left to my own devices, that voice starts speaking up.” – Trent Reznor

“I hate to say this, but not many people care what you do. They care about what you do as much as you care about what they do. Think about it. Just exactly that much. You are not the center of the universe.” — Laurie Anderson

"The path's not yours till you've gone it alone a time." – William Carlos Williams

“Filling this empty space constitutes my identity.” – Twyla Tharp

"My definition of peace is having no noise in my head." – Eric Clapton

"The wreckage of the sky serves to confirm us in delicious error." – John Ashbery

"We are all here by the grace of the big bang. We are all literally the stuff of the stars." – Dwight Owsley

"For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream." – Vincent van Gogh

"It is only with the heart that one can see right; what is essential is invisible to the eye." — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Forget about being a perfectionist, because entropy always wins out in the end." – Darren Kaufman.

"Impermanence. Impermanence. Impermanence." – Garry Shandling

"Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion." – Mark Twain

"There is no realm wherein we have the truth." – Gordon Lish

"Actual life is full of false clues and sign-posts that lead nowhere." – E.M. Forster

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe." – Frank Zappa

“I try to leave out the parts that readers tend to skip.” – Elmore Leonard

“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” – Voltaire

• Journal title and subtitle: Ian Hunter, “Man Overboard”


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow