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O Superman

Why does Superman always fly belly-down, with his arms stretched in front of him?

I mean, if I could fly, I’d do it in a standing position. Or, better yet, in a sitting position. Or even better, while sitting in a nice comfortable chair, like the one I sit in when I’m reading at home. It’s got big flat wooden arms, which are nice places to rest things like a glass of my favorite beverage, and it can reline, too. Flying in a chair like that, I could tip back and take a nap. It probably would be best do just hover while napping, though. Either than or go into orbit at 90,000 feet or so, so I wouldn’t bang into something like an airplane. Yeah, I know, it’s cold up there, and there’s nothing to breathe, but those things wouldn’t faze Superman.


And if I were Superman, I’d dress in regular clothes, certainly not in tights with contrasting-color shorts and a cape. I mean, why does Superman have to call attention to himself with that costume? Have you ever seen anyone in real life walking around like that, unless it’s Halloween? Wouldn’t it be cooler to be plainclothes Superman and surprise people? If you didn’t wear a costume, people wouldn’t even know about the existence of Superman. They’d just think you were really tough or really strong or whatever, and no one would ever believe in reports of a guy who could fly, so you could stay pretty much anonymous by changing your style of clothes often and, say, changing your hair color, wearing or not wearing glasses, growing a beard or not — although that takes us in an oblique fashion to the question of whether superpowers should be limited to men. Of course not. But Superwomen wouldn’t be able to grow a beard. Well, they could, but it might give their identity away, or land them in a circus. I just wanted to make sure I was clear about not limiting discussion to Supermen. In fact, you’d probably need Superwomen because it would be a drag to be Superman and go on a date with a woman who couldn’t fly or wasn’t bulletproof.

Now, we all know Superman has X-ray vision and telescope vision and super hearing, but how come we never hear about his super voice? You’d think if he were in New York, he could shout real loud to, say, Jimmy Olsen out in Los Angeles, and Jimmy would be able to hear him. Jimmy and everyone else in the rest of the 48 contiguous states, that is. And that super hearing thing probably is overrated. Think of all the crap you’d have to cut through to hear someone talking from, say, a mile away. And what if you accidentally turned on the X-ray vision instead of the telescope vision? You wouldn’t know what mile-away conversation to eavesdrop on.

Too many problems. I’m glad I’m not Superman. Although the flying part would be cool. Except I’m scared of heights. Even in airplanes. In fact, my biggest fear of flying is that I’ll someday be in the bathroom at the rear of the plane when that portion of the fuselage separates from the rest of the plane and I’ll be standing at the edge of a 35,000-foot-deep urinal. Which is why I always use the bathroom at the front of planes. If I were Superman, I wouldn’t have to worry about that.

Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
thecriz5
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:23 am (UTC)
Now see, Bigfoot doesn't have these kinds of problems; he simply exists and roams the earth hidden from man. That is until man finds him, and thats only on the condition that he is dead and can't keep hidden.
patrick_vecchio
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:38 am (UTC)
You've been eating too much opossum.
cwmackowski
Aug. 18th, 2008 04:54 am (UTC)
That's a menu item in Mississippi.
patrick_vecchio
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:03 pm (UTC)
Yeah: fried possum snouts.
cwmackowski
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:41 pm (UTC)
wrong end
patrick_vecchio
Aug. 18th, 2008 01:15 pm (UTC)
Possum tail sausage, must be. Yum!
vivitalia
Aug. 18th, 2008 04:06 am (UTC)
And then they go and do something silly and test your DNA, disproving your existence. Again. Those bothersome men keep messing around with that scientific hogwash, they're going to make being Bigfoot a much less entertaining enterprise.
patrick_vecchio
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:03 pm (UTC)
I saw yesterday that McCain has picked Bigfoot as his running mate.
cwmackowski
Aug. 18th, 2008 04:56 am (UTC)
But the great thing about being a guy is that if you were standing at the edge of a 35,000-foot urinal, you'd still be able to take care of business. Now that is super.
minnesattva
Aug. 18th, 2008 08:07 am (UTC)
Yeah, I was thinking that too: it'd be much worse being a lady in such circumstances.
patrick_vecchio
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:05 pm (UTC)
All the more reason to get hold of some superpowers.
nodressrehersal
Aug. 19th, 2008 08:40 pm (UTC)
Do superpowers prevent wind-induced back-splash? curious minds want to know.
patrick_vecchio
Aug. 19th, 2008 09:56 pm (UTC)
You could use heat vision to evaporate the droplets.
patrick_vecchio
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:04 pm (UTC)
I get vertigo just thinking about it.
lizardqueen
Nov. 17th, 2008 05:11 am (UTC)
All very problematic. But did you ever read sci-fi author Larry Niven's speculative piece, "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex"? All about what would have to happen, according to the laws of physics, should Supe ever, uh, get it on with Lois Lane. Fascinating. And instructive. Girls, stay away from superheroes.
patrick_vecchio
Nov. 17th, 2008 10:53 am (UTC)
Does Niven say anything about Superman wearing a little cape around his -- ah, never mind.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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