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Photo: Huffington Post

Virginia, your little friends are right: There is no Santa Claus. Why someone who is 8 years old still believes in this claptrap is something you should take up with your pediatric psychiatrist. Maybe he needs to switch up your meds.

I’m pretty sure you wrote to me because you were hoping I’d say Santa exists, just like the editor of the New York Sun told you. Let’s get one thing straight: That guy’s a drunk and his paper’s a rag. We sell a hundred times as many papers in this town as he does.

He says, “Your friends have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.” What he calls skeptical I call realistic. “They do not believe except they see,” he said. What that means I have no idea. Let’s just put it this way, Virginia—don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. That includes fat guys with beards wearing red suits in December.

That clown across town says Santa Claus “exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist.” Virginia, look out the window: See that homeless guy lying up against the Dumpster? See that old woman crying because she doesn’t have enough money to buy medicine and food? Go talk to them about love and generosity. Yeah, Virginia—love and generosity and devotion exist, and so does the Easter bunny. Wait—you thought the Easter bunny was real? Sorry to burst your bubble, kid.

And spare me that idiot’s “Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus.” Listen up, Virginia, because your parents won’t tell you this: The world will grind you between its molars and spit you out like a watermelon seed unless you line up, shut your mouth and work for The Man your entire life. And even then there are no guarantees you won’t wind up like that bum by the Dumpster. Dreary? You ain’t seen nothin’.

That drunk at the Sun said, “Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign there is no Santa Claus.” Let’s take that logic and extend it: “Nobody sees earthworms the size of telephone poles, but that is no sign there are no earthworms the size of telephone poles.” Got it, kid? That guy has more hot air than a steam locomotive.

In fact, he probably had a head full of meth, judging by the way he was raving. I mean, listen to this crap: “There is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men who ever lived, could tear apart.” This guy has spent too much time under the black light listening to Pink Floyd.

So, one more time, Virginia: There is no Santa Claus. Now get outta here, kid. I’m meeting some friends at the bar.



( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 23rd, 2015 02:24 am (UTC)
The truth hurts.
Dec. 23rd, 2015 05:15 am (UTC)
Someone needs a hug.
Dec. 23rd, 2015 02:01 pm (UTC)
Poor Virginia.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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March 2017

Wish I'd Said It

Nota bene: “Fear has governed my life, if I think about it. ... I always feel like I’m not good enough for some reason. I wish that wasn’t the case, but left to my own devices, that voice starts speaking up.” – Trent Reznor

“I hate to say this, but not many people care what you do. They care about what you do as much as you care about what they do. Think about it. Just exactly that much. You are not the center of the universe.” — Laurie Anderson

"The path's not yours till you've gone it alone a time." – William Carlos Williams

“Filling this empty space constitutes my identity.” – Twyla Tharp

"My definition of peace is having no noise in my head." – Eric Clapton

"The wreckage of the sky serves to confirm us in delicious error." – John Ashbery

"We are all here by the grace of the big bang. We are all literally the stuff of the stars." – Dwight Owsley

"For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream." – Vincent van Gogh

"It is only with the heart that one can see right; what is essential is invisible to the eye." — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Forget about being a perfectionist, because entropy always wins out in the end." – Darren Kaufman.

"Impermanence. Impermanence. Impermanence." – Garry Shandling

"Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion." – Mark Twain

"There is no realm wherein we have the truth." – Gordon Lish

"Actual life is full of false clues and sign-posts that lead nowhere." – E.M. Forster

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe." – Frank Zappa

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