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Shell game

I bought a big can of mixed nuts yesterday. The label says pure sea salt is used on the nuts. It tells me the can contains peanuts, almonds, cashews, brazil nuts, hazelnuts and pecans. It all sounds harmless enough, but look closely, and the label includes some deeply disturbing information:

"Less than 50 percent peanuts," it proclaims, with an asterisk noting, "Nuts are measured by weight."

If I were a peanut, I would be offended. Can you imagine being a peanut trying to get into the can and some pompous nutcracker stops you by saying, "Not you, pal. We've got enough of your kind in here already."

And how do they determine what "enough" is? By weight. As if being excluded weren't bad enough, the poor peanut is told it weighs too much to get in.

In our world, we sadly see sexism, classism and racism much more often than we'd like. But few of us stop to think about nutism. Let's not talk about it—let's do something about it.

Who is behind this exclusionary policy? The almonds? Hard to tell: They do have that year-long tan working (which we all know is fake), but is it fair to link fake tans to discrimination? Cashews have a lot of cachet—maybe their status has gone to their heads. Brazil nuts? Well, we didn't keep our borders secure enough, and look what happened. Once those Brazilians got in, there was no sending them back. Hazelnuts? You'd think that with their diminutive size they'd have to be friendly just to get along, but I've heard that inside their round shells, they've got a real attitude. You know what they say: It's not the size of the nut in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the nut. As for pecans: They've been awfully hoity-toity ever since someone baked them in a pie.

But something doesn't make sense here. The nuts didn't do this on their own. They're not smart enough—in fact, they're nuts. Someone put them up to this, and given the size of the operation, it's clear it took more than one "someone."

After a great deal of thought, though, I've cracked the case:

title or description

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
nodressrehersal
Dec. 18th, 2013 01:45 am (UTC)
I cannot imagine the search words you used to come up with this perfect picture for your peanut post.
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 18th, 2013 01:52 am (UTC)
Mr. Peanut Godfather
(Anonymous)
Dec. 19th, 2013 12:45 am (UTC)
The issue for peanuts is simply that they are not nuts all...if you let too many legumes into the can...Well...there goes the neighborhood
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 19th, 2013 04:08 am (UTC)
There you go, playing the tree nut card.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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