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The false intimacy of our age

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I was searching YouTube the other day for a Jason Isbell song I thought a LiveJournal friend should hear. I found the song, and while I was listening to it, I scrolled through the listener comments and spotted this one:

Jason,Your the reason I play_ guitar and write songs. But most of all id like to thank you for saving my life in a lot of ways. I will always take playing for a room of 15 drunk guys on hard times and connecting with them, over making radio bullshit. i dunno what life has in store for me, but i hope its a life as a working musician, getting by and helping people through rough shit. Shit that your music has helped me through. Thank you Jason, keep playin for those who understand, leave the rest.

Setting aside its sincerity, the comment made me wonder: Did the writer think his words would reach Isbell? I hope they did, but my hopes are faint because of the false intimacy of social media.

Admittedly, I have a limited perspective. I am on Facebook, although I rarely visit it, comment on other people’s statuses or tell people I “like” something or someone. I have a LinkedIn profile, but all I do is say OK to anyone desperate enough to want to add me to her or his network. I maintain this blog, which I post to in bursts—not the best way to attract and keep readers. My credibility as a critic of social media is shaky.


Even so, the concept of false intimacy rolls around in my brain like a marble rolling around in a bathtub. The rolling marble got particularly loud one day this spring. The university where I teach puts on a sports symposium every other year, and this year, one of the panelists was someone whose writing I’ve followed and admired for years. I spent 90 minutes alone with him as I drove him from the Buffalo airport to the university.

I thought his writing had given me a pretty good idea of what kind of a guy he was, but he was as charming as a canker sore. I tried to get him to talk about work of his I was familiar with, but it just annoyed him. The trip was so unpleasant that I told the symposium organizer to find someone else to drive him back to the airport the next day.

This leads me to wonder how well we know people who exist to us only as words. I like to think my blog friends would find that if they met me, they would see my online personality was just an extension of who I am in person. At least I hope that’s the case. I don’t know, though.

This knowing-but-not-knowing idea resurfaced a couple of weeks ago on Facebook. I received a friend request from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize until I dropped the name after the hyphen of her last name. It turns out she was a classmate from high school. Her friend request puzzled me because I don’t remember even speaking to her back then—that’s how different our orbits were. When I replied to her request, I said it was “good to hear from you after 40 years.”

She wrote back. She has had a distinguished career and might be someone you’ve seen on TV or read about. She asked the usual questions about me, and then our online conversation faded. I told her I’m always glad to hear success stories involving our classmates, so I was glad she reached out and had done so well. Even so, I still don’t know her much better than I knew her in high school.

The question is, Why did she reach out? To put on the other shoe, why did I hope my response would prompt a reply?

I suspect it’s because we want to be in touch. We seek significance in our lives, so we post snippets of them on Facebook, we write about them on our blogs, and we tweet them—and we’re gratified if someone responds. A blog post that gets zero hits feels like failure.

We constantly whip out our cell phones to see whose message we’ve missed. Once I post this, I’ll begin checking to see who responds, and how quickly. We want to be wired, networked, in on the conversation, even if the conversation has the substance of meringue.

Because the internet makes it so easy, we reach out to musicians, authors and other people we don’t know. The chances of reaching them are far better than they used to be, and from experience, I know how gratifying it is to hear back from someone whom we respect, even idolize to a degree.

I once emailed a writer whose work I had read in The Sun magazine. I told her how much I admired her short story, but I also told her how reading it deflated me as a writer because she was much more talented. Quite unexpectedly, she responded with encouraging words. Several months later I read another story of hers, and I emailed her again, thinking she wouldn’t reply and might think I’m a 59-year-old fanboy. Instead, she replied how much she appreciated my comments because her piece, in her words, “cost me a lot” emotionally. Had this exchange happened 30 years ago, it would have occurred at a snail mail pace, which would not have been nearly as satisfying as our wired world’s instant gratification.

We cannot grasp how many people know about our online personalities (hello, NSA), and as a result, when we write, we can’t answer one of the two basic questions a writer asks—“Who is my audience?” Nor can we, as an audience, truly know the writer. On the car ride from Buffalo, my favorite writer turned out to be a dick; the short story writer turned out to be someone whose responses were unexpectedly sincere.

Maybe the person who posted the YouTube comment to Isbell got a degree of satisfaction from it. After all, we never can know if someone has read a comment and simply not responded. So we continue to reach out to expand our network, to learn more about people we know only superficially, and we hope they live up to our expectations. This is one way we try to make our place in the world a little more certain—but in our age, such certainty is elusive.

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patrick_vecchio
Aug. 9th, 2013 02:13 am (UTC)
I tell students that they'd better practice face-to-face communication, get good at it and get used to it, because corporate life will shred them when they go to a meeting and don't how how to communicate with spoken words. Hell, it will shred them during the job interview process.

Of course, as a college freshman, I was so socially insecure that had tweeting and texting been around then, my vocal cords would have atrophied from lack of use.
nodressrehersal
Aug. 9th, 2013 01:24 pm (UTC)
Along the same lines...
...Jeff Miers' column in Gusto yesterday talks about backstage etiquette and how people feel overly comfortable approaching musicians/stars and asking too much from their exchanges.

People clamor around the stars, thrust things at them demanding autographs, snap photos, and generally treat the subject as if they are something to be observed, ogled, prodded and treated as a non-human entity.

The bowing and scraping thing gets old for the stars. I’ve been there enough to see it in their eyes. Most of them are incredibly gracious about the whole thing. They willingly participate in meet-and-greets, and try to give every person a bit of their time. They have become good at, as the song says, pretending “a stranger is a long-awaited friend.” The warmest and most welcoming folks I’ve met over the years – Bruce Springsteen and members of the E Street Band, Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson of Rush, Gord Downie of the Tragically Hip, Bruce Hornsby, Dweezil Zappa and (believe it or not) Marilyn Manson among them – display a degree of patience I’m not sure I’d possess in a similar situation. Most fans just want a handshake, maybe an autograph or photo, and then happily go on their way. Others want to linger way too long and act is if they have every right to demand some of the star’s time.
patrick_vecchio
Aug. 9th, 2013 06:27 pm (UTC)
Re: Along the same lines...
If I were ever in a position to meet some star after a show, I'd shake her or his hand, say how much I had enjoyed the show (or was looking forward to the show), and then move on. Seems to me it would be unseemly for someone my age to come across as a fanboy.

But then again, I'd try to get a picture of me with Jeff Beck.

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