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If the Six has learned exclusively that Lance Armstrong will appear on television with Oprah Winfrey tomorrow to debunk longstanding rumors that he was not using performance-enhancing drugs during his seven consecutive Tour de France wins.

In a copy of the interview obtained in advance by this blog, Armstrong tells Oprah, "Everywhere I turned, people would look at me and whisper, 'There's Armstrong. He races in the Tour de France, but he does not cheat.' It's hurt me, my family and my sponsors."

Later, he tells Oprah, "No matter how hard I tried to tell people I was receiving illegal blood transfusions like everybody else, no one would believe me. I just couldn't shake that squeaky-clean image.

"This interview, I hope, will convince the public that I have been a liar, a cheat and a doper, just like other top competitors," he said. "To prove my point, I am asking the Amaury Sport Organisation to strip me of my seven Tour de France titles." The ASO organizes the Tour de France.

When If the Six called Armstrong for comment on this post, a woman answered the phone and said Armstrong was too busy to talk while a crazed male voice in the background yelled, "Tell him I'm not home. Besides, I'm busy in here shooting up some human growth hormone. YOU HEAR THAT, MR. REPORTER? HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE!"


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 17th, 2013 03:16 pm (UTC)
A fantastic post that's worthy of The Onion's best work.
Jan. 17th, 2013 10:03 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Sam. That post had a lot more potential, but my brain was too tired to do more with it.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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