Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Passing it along

title or description

These arrived by e-mail today; maybe there's a smile or two for you here:

Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet cola.

Only in America ... do banks leave vault doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ... do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


... why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

... why we never see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

... why 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

... why doctors call what they do 'practice'?

... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

... why the person who invests all your money is called a broker?

... why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?

... why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

... why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

... why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

... if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 18th, 2011 03:28 pm (UTC)
Sheep don't shrink when it rains because they have been bio-engineered to have a 25% nylon content. That's why your wool socks don't shrink either, silly.

The mosquito thing was on oversight...
Jun. 18th, 2011 03:37 pm (UTC)
Jun. 19th, 2011 02:50 pm (UTC)
Sun lightens your hair because it's dead, and darkens your skin because it's living (the bit that darkens is, anyway).

Abbr. It's meta!

No mouse-flavored cat food because someone would have to figure out what flavor is mouse. Also, pet food is made from human-food byproducts and 1) Westerners don't eat mice, and 2) people who eat mice generally don't leave useful byproducts.

Needle sterilized in case the doctor fucks up and stabs himself.

At one point, there was construction being done on a street adjacent to JHU, and the road sign for it (those things propped up in the middle of the road to block traffic from going into the construction zone) read "Progress Ahead". So every time Albert and I passed it, we'd chorus "Congress Behind!"
Jun. 20th, 2011 02:14 am (UTC)
I'm not sure if cats eat mice. Seems to me they just sadistically use them as toys.

But the pet snacks flavor thing confuses me. You can buy "pizza-flavored" snacks for your dog. How do we know dogs like pizza? How do we know if the snack tastes like pizza to them? Are the labels for us and not the dogs?

The sterilized needle thing makes perfect sense.

Jun. 20th, 2011 03:30 pm (UTC)
Re: flavor> Definitely for humans. Most dogs are perfectly happy eating goddamn anything at all, especially if it was dropped from a human hand. XD Although I think Pupperoni actually has human taste-testers, as their fake jerky-stick-like things are quite delicious and rather sweet. Everything else just fakes it with smell, and then tastes like crap, cheesy crap, or liver.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

March 2017

Wish I'd Said It

Nota bene: “Fear has governed my life, if I think about it. ... I always feel like I’m not good enough for some reason. I wish that wasn’t the case, but left to my own devices, that voice starts speaking up.” – Trent Reznor

“I hate to say this, but not many people care what you do. They care about what you do as much as you care about what they do. Think about it. Just exactly that much. You are not the center of the universe.” — Laurie Anderson

"The path's not yours till you've gone it alone a time." – William Carlos Williams

“Filling this empty space constitutes my identity.” – Twyla Tharp

"My definition of peace is having no noise in my head." – Eric Clapton

"The wreckage of the sky serves to confirm us in delicious error." – John Ashbery

"We are all here by the grace of the big bang. We are all literally the stuff of the stars." – Dwight Owsley

"For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream." – Vincent van Gogh

"It is only with the heart that one can see right; what is essential is invisible to the eye." — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Forget about being a perfectionist, because entropy always wins out in the end." – Darren Kaufman.

"Impermanence. Impermanence. Impermanence." – Garry Shandling

"Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion." – Mark Twain

"There is no realm wherein we have the truth." – Gordon Lish

"Actual life is full of false clues and sign-posts that lead nowhere." – E.M. Forster

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe." – Frank Zappa

“I try to leave out the parts that readers tend to skip.” – Elmore Leonard

“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” – Voltaire

• Journal title and subtitle: Ian Hunter, “Man Overboard”


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow