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Christmas secrets revealed

It's time somebody said what everybody has felt like saying for years but hasn't had the guts to say:

The song "Jingle Bell Rock" does not rock. The rhythm does not rock. The lyrics do not rock. The melody does not rock. If people thought it "rocked" the year it was released, in 1957, it rocked in the same way Pat Boone "rocked" when he covered songs performed previously by Little Richard:


(Little Richard)

While we're on the subject of Christmas carols, the writing of new ones should be banned. I was trapped in a department store over the weekend buying a gift when I heard a song with a first line that introduced a character named "Susie Snowflake." Unlike Jack Frost or Frosty the Snowman, Susie Snowflake does not exist. The song is a lame attempt by a saccharine songwriter to create a Christmas standard that will bug people for decades. We do not need any more winter characters. We do not need any more holiday figures to sing about.

Really, if he were the kind of guy everybody wishes he were, you'd think Santa Claus would say, "Uhhh, all those songs about me: Don't you think they're getting kind of stale? I mean, I appreciate the attention, but how about singing different songs this season?"

Or forget the singing. Maybe one Christmas season could be devoted to just instrumentals. Like this one:

(No jingle bells, but lots of rock)


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 23rd, 2010 01:53 am (UTC)
Having grown up in Taiwan, I never built up the tolerance for Christmas carols needed to survive the Halloween-to-New Year's season in America. Worse yet are the radio stations or shops that play the same exact song covered five different ways, all in a row as if they were actually different songs. I loathe them and every time I hear one that's likely to get stuck in my head, I flush my brain with Fairytale of New York, which is the only Christmas song I acknowledge. (I'd've liked this one if didn't do a 180 and end up all twee and romcom.)
Dec. 23rd, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
I must say I was deeply moved by The Pogues. But I have a sense they won't be playing it at Wal-Mart.
Dec. 23rd, 2010 05:27 am (UTC)
More's the pity. If only the singers were just a little more mumbly...
Dec. 23rd, 2010 06:06 pm (UTC)
I don't have it either. Every Christmas season I want to blow out my brains.

Btw, did you hear the Lady Gaga Christmas song?
Dec. 23rd, 2010 09:13 pm (UTC)
Lady Gaga... Christmas...??

*mental image*

Dec. 23rd, 2010 09:47 pm (UTC)
It's not so bad I want to blow my brains out, but I do find myself on the verge of muttering—or even shouting—unseasonable things.

I will take your word for it that a Lady Gaga Christmas song exists. Please, please, please—no evidence!
Dec. 23rd, 2010 03:18 am (UTC)
Pandora rocks
Pandora has some good stations pre-mixed for the holidays - I've been listening to the Jazz one while doing the final rounds of shopping and errands. I gotta admit, it adds a lot to the total experience for me. But I agree, fake Christmas songs stink.

I grew up with those Christmas albums my folks got from the Goodyear tire store every year that had all the best songs by people like Ella Fitzgerald, Mitch Miller, Perry Como, Andy Williams, Bing Crosby, and of course The New Christy Minstrels.

I found this link and I remember all those album covers! http://fp.enter.net/~jpill612/goodyear/goodyear.htm

Oh yes we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute...
Dec. 23rd, 2010 04:34 am (UTC)
Re: Pandora rocks
Robert Goulet!

Dec. 23rd, 2010 03:21 pm (UTC)
Re: Pandora rocks
Dec. 23rd, 2010 03:53 am (UTC)
You're becoming a Christmas anarchist like I did with my Scrooge column.
Dec. 23rd, 2010 04:35 am (UTC)
Jeff, I'm still waiting for your take on "It's a Wonderful Life." Do me a favor, though, and don't say George should have jumped, OK?
Dec. 23rd, 2010 05:26 am (UTC)
You remind me of the Grinch: "The more the Grinch thought of this Who Christmas sing, the more Vecchio thought, 'I must stop this whole thing!'"
Dec. 23rd, 2010 02:34 pm (UTC)
I would settle for a ban on the playing of Christmas carols except in the privacy of one's home.
Dec. 23rd, 2010 04:20 pm (UTC)
Ha! I just wrote an entry about annoying holiday songs before seeing this one. Glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.
Dec. 23rd, 2010 09:44 pm (UTC)
I think you held back in your post, Alex. Let us know how you really feel.
Dec. 23rd, 2010 09:47 pm (UTC)
Unlike a certain hockey team that's dropped 4 of its last 5, I like showing emotion in my work.
Dec. 23rd, 2010 09:49 pm (UTC)
They're awful, aren't they? I don't even watch when they're on TV, because all they do is stink up the ice.
Dec. 23rd, 2010 09:53 pm (UTC)
They've learned absolutely nothing from last year. Like watching the same team, just a different goaltender that's hot.
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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