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Only so many perfect heads

I glanced at the mirrored panel in my shower door this morning and saw that once again, I was having trouble with my hair.

"Hair?" you might ask, glancing at my userpic. "What hair?"

Well, if you must know—the one growing out of the top of my left ear. It stuck straight out, maybe a quarter-inch long, like some tiny spear thrown by some minuscule warrior. As soon as I dried off from the shower, I took my electric razor and swiped it off with one clean pass.

Alas, I am at the age where hair grows out of my ears and nose, not my scalp. Actually, that's fine by me, because the Lord only made so many perfect heads. He covered the rest with hair. This, however, doesn't mean ear hair and nose hair are any less unsightly.

Ear hair just looks—well, odd. It's the grooming equivalent of not dusting in your living room for awhile. It's more of a sign of neglect than anything else. I figure that before too many more years pass, I'm just going to quit worrying about it as I transition into codgerhood. Don't like my ear hair? That is what you said, isn't it? I can't hear so well these days. Don't like my ear hair? Too bad. I don't put the sauce on your steak. (I have no idea what that means. It just kind of fell out of my fingers. Sounds like it could be an all-purpose comeback, though, doesn't it? You could shut people up just by baffling them. "I don't put the sauce on your steak.")

Nostril fur? That's another matter entirely. Nose hair is tough to overlook if you shave every day, as I do—but even then, I'll go along for a week and then suddenly, there's so much hair poking out of my nose that it looks like I've been snorting porcupines. Fortunately, I've got the personal grooming equivalent of a hedge trimmer to poke up my nostrils and swirl around, hoping all the while it doesn't nip into a bit of flesh. (Ouch! he said. Well, actually, he didn't say "ouch!" He used a much more colourful and versatile four-letter word.)

And although I wasn't planning on getting into this, I want to talk about back hair and chest hair. It seems that every summer I see guys jogging-kind-of-running on the main streets in town during rush hour because it's the only time of day they have available to run, honest, and even though it's 94 degrees with drippin' hot humidity, this is the only time they have available to run, and they are forced, forced, I say, to run along the main streets because they don't have access to the less busy side streets a mere block away—that's the reason they run on the main streets, because it's too far to run to the less-well-traveled side streets, not because they're hopeless narcissists and want everybody to see them—a conclusion that some unreasonable person might reach because these guys invariably have shaved and plucked and waxed themselves so they are about as hairy as a hard-boiled egg. So I'm thinking these guys think body hair isn't very sexy and have "manscaped" themselves.

But as the World's Most Interesting Man says about manscaping: "I have no idea what this is."

That pretty much settles it. And don't forget the steak sauce.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
tanadariel
Dec. 14th, 2010 04:06 pm (UTC)

I had a student write a persuasive essay on why growing a beard is the greatest thing for men..ever. Something tells me you would get along with this student.

patrick_vecchio
Dec. 14th, 2010 11:26 pm (UTC)
Beards actually are functional this time of year, as anyone with a beard who shaves it in winter can testify.
thecriz5
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:34 am (UTC)
Beards are more economical. Think of all the water, electricity, razors and manpower saved from keeping a shaven, well groomed face.
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 15th, 2010 11:36 am (UTC)
Not to mention all those cans of shaving cream.
cam_1089
Dec. 14th, 2010 08:41 pm (UTC)
I've grown a beard in the past two months, and I have to agree.
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 14th, 2010 11:26 pm (UTC)
Looks good on you, too.
cam_1089
Dec. 19th, 2010 02:50 am (UTC)
Thank you. Excellent post, by the way.
behindpyramids
Dec. 15th, 2010 12:54 am (UTC)
I...hearted this so badly. My dad has a special set for clipping off his ear and nose hairs.

"Not because I care, but because sometimes when you are in a meeting all people will do is focus on your nose hair and then you've completely lost them."

patrick_vecchio
Dec. 15th, 2010 12:58 am (UTC)
That's a good point about the meetings, especially for those of us who tend to gesture a lot with our noses. Man, that sounds weird, like we have more than one nose. But the alternative would sound like all of us have just one nose. How would we share it? Are we all joined at the universal nose, or is it something that can be passed around? And what would be the protocol for handling it? And maintenance? "Feed and water your nose." And during cold and flu season, wouldn't the nose get all—

Never mind.
nodressrehersal
Dec. 18th, 2010 02:48 am (UTC)
I don't know how I missed this one! So many of my some-might-say pointless thoughts that plague me for countless minutes of my life have been covered here.

Joggers jogging on main roads during rush hour- sometimes I have to fight with the steering wheel to keep my car from giving them a bumper to the back of the knees.

And those random, rogue hairs that seem to sproing out of the flesh overnight - whose idea was that? Trust me, it's an even worse affliction for menopausal women.
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 18th, 2010 02:57 am (UTC)
"Sproing." I'm going to steal that one.

nodressrehersal
Dec. 18th, 2010 03:02 am (UTC)
Hairs are the best at sproinging, but I suppose other things could sproing as well...
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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