January 9th, 2017

Pegulas leave no stone unrolled, hire new coach


Terry and Kim Pegula, owners of the Buffalo Bills, announced today that their coach for the 2017-18 season will be Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.

“Keef is a real street-fighting man,” said Terry Pegula during a press conference to introduce Richards. “We’re looking for someone to rip this joint, and Kim and I hope to avoid our 19th nervous breakdown with the coaching situation.”

Richards received a five-year contract that guarantees he cannot be fired before the contract expires. “Time is on my side,” he said when the Pegulas introduced him. “They first offered me a one-year deal, but that didn’t give me no satisfaction. I told them, ‘You can’t always get what you want,’ and they decided to throw the tumblin’ dice and make me happy.”

Terry Pegula said with a laugh, “I ain’t too proud to beg.”

Kim Pegula said, “The franchise is torn and frayed, all down the line. Our fans are the salt of the earth. They need an emotional rescue. We need to stop breaking down and not fade away.”

The new coach observed, “This team is like a jigsaw puzzle, but that’s all over now. We’re going to be respectable. We’ll play like wild horses and let it loose. Here’s our message to the teams we’ll play: “You gotta move, bitch.”

Richards said he will be tough on the players. “I have some sympathy for the devils, but when the whip comes down, they’ll be under my thumb,” he said. Even the locker room will look different.

“I’m going to paint it, black,” he said.