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Hard candy

Halloween is over for another year, and once again, I seriously overestimated the number of trick-or-treaters who would visit.

That means I'm hearing voices from the kitchen as I write this: the seductive whisper of York Peppermint Patties. The hypnotic call of Swedish Fish. The tempting beckoning of Sour Patch Kids. There must be, and I am not kidding, 25,000 calories out there, each one of them summoning me.

This Is Not Good. Inasmuch as the most exercise I get each day involves tapping the computer keyboard space bar with my left or right thumb, I am heavier than I have ever been in my life. Usually I put weight on in the fall and winter and melt it off in the spring and summer. This summer, there was no meltdown. Exacerbating the problem is—well, let's put it this way: My wife, who is not one to use inelegant language, said to me yesterday, "Your diet sucks."

I took umbrage. I eat a balanced diet, I huffed. In fact, of the eight Tootsie Roll Pops I had eaten in the hour before her remark, I had eaten two orange, two grape, two watermelon and two cherry. A mere 480 calories, but I'll stop tomorrow. I swear I'll stop tomorrow. That was yesterday. Today I was able to limit myself to three. But the day isn't yet over. I love Peppermint Patties. I will eat so many Sour Patch Kids that my stomach aches. I will gulp down Swedish Fish until my teeth are almost welded together by the gummy residue. And Tootsie Roll Pops—well, I opened a box of a hundred of them three days ago, and there are probably about 40 left. If they were a drug, I would be addicted. In fact, I may be addicted to them anyway. I didn't hand them out to the costumed hordes at the door tonight, that's for sure. I've been sitting here drooling ever since the start of this paragraph. Just one more. Just one more. An orange one. No, a grape. Orange tastes nothing like oranges, grape tastes nothing like grapes, but I love artificial flavors, love that tart rush when the globe of colorful candy cracks between my desperate molars.

As I said, This Is Not Good. I used to take pride in how I dressed for work, but my girth is so pronounced that I haven't been able to wear any of my dress pants for the better part of two semesters. Each time I look into my closet and see all of those trousers taunting me, I swear I'll lose the 15 pounds it will take to wear them again. And several times over the past few months I've gotten to within seven or so pounds of my goal—and then I'll do something like gobble down a quart of ice cream, eat a dozen cookies or scarf down a whole bag of Doritos. Next thing I know, the bathroom scales are creaking like a submarine that has dived too deep.

But today was a good day. Just three Tootsie Roll Pops. And a few Sour Patch Kids from one of those 100-calorie snack bags, one of those bags my wife had the willpower to open and not finish. She left the half-finished bag on the counter, in plain sight. What was I supposed to do, let them sit there and spoil? And then, since there are only 100 calories per bag, I had a bag of my own. Still, that's all better than yesterday, when I probably ate at least a dozen Tootsie Roll Pops.

I think I'll be OK tonight. I'm going to post this now and go to bed. And when we get up in the morning, I am going to ask—no, implore—Sherry to hide that leftover candy where I'll never find it or, better yet, throw it away. Because if she hides it, I'll find it.


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 1st, 2009 05:40 am (UTC)
If you have a hobby that involves a ton of exercise, you won't have to worry about burning off the calories. I, myself have a seasonal weight gain that runs about 10 pounds(middle age). I use surfing to keep that weight gain down, and so fat haven't blown up. Maybe hard exercise will help. I don't know. One does sleep better after a day with exercise.
Nov. 1st, 2009 12:48 pm (UTC)
That's a big part of it, Jeff: I have to make the time to get my lazy self back on the treadmill.
Nov. 1st, 2009 02:58 pm (UTC)
This entry made me laugh...and want to cry.

We must fall from the same sugar-insulated tree. I love candy, especially chocolate, and I particularly love the day AFTER Halloween because all of the candy goes on sale. And I, too, weigh the heaviest I ever had--no snorts, please (a tiny stature gives the illusion of tininess everywhere)--and my diet sucks.

Today will not be a good day for me. I wish you the best of luck in resistance.
Nov. 1st, 2009 03:14 pm (UTC)
I'll contact the Nutrition Police and have them arrest you if they see you in the candy aisles today. Me? I'm going to do yardwork, where the big bowl of calories is well out of reach.
Nov. 1st, 2009 05:54 pm (UTC)
At the moment, I'm trying to decide if pumpkin-shaped cookies I'm munching on count as Halloween candy.
Nov. 1st, 2009 06:15 pm (UTC)
Can I be the third person into this party? We were better on Halloween this year, but that's partly because panther_tracks has good and sensible reasons for not eating the leftover candy and I could remind myself that I don't need to do it alone -- or at least not alone and all day today.

Where I fail miserably is on the "make time to exercise" part. I keep swearing I will do it ... and then looking back and noticing I haven't. I'm about to try again because I can't convince myself that I'll swear off chocolate forever.
Nov. 1st, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC)
If I weren't so tired, I'd exercise more. If I'd exercise more, I wouldn't be so tired.
Nov. 1st, 2009 06:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, leftover Halloween candy. We didn't give out all of ours either, and it's so easy to eat oh, six fun-size candy bars and kid myself there's really nothing to them. There is. And I'll heft myself onto the exercise bandwagon too. Being sick for oh, a month and a half doesn't do great things for my workout routine, and it's so much easier to lie on the couch and wheeze than get on a treadmill and dissolve into a hacking puddle of pathetic humanity. Still, it probably wouldn't kill me to eat less and move more, either.
Nov. 1st, 2009 10:48 pm (UTC)
This seems to be a common theme here.
Nov. 1st, 2009 07:44 pm (UTC)
Hey, aren't grape, orange, cherry and watermelon fruits? They can't make those candies without tapping the flavor bouquet of those fruits. Think of eating the candy like eating several taco salads. There may be 1200 calories in a taco salad, but it's still a salad.
Nov. 1st, 2009 10:48 pm (UTC)
I figured they were part of one of the basic food groups. A group that hasn't been discovered yet.
Nov. 1st, 2009 10:39 pm (UTC)
I could've written this post nearly word for word. Except substitute mini Milky Way bars for Tootsie Roll Pops. And eliminate Sour Patch Kids and double up the Swedish Fish. But besides that, it's been exactly the same here.

I just found two fish that somehow escaped their packaging in the car over a week ago and ended up under the seat - UNDER the seat - and I ate them. I felt like Gollum, for cryin' out loud, sniffing out his Precious.

After doing so well with my 20-minutes-a-day plan, I abandoned it and am now at an all-time high. Maybe we could start an LJ support group, but we'd need a totally awesome name...
Nov. 1st, 2009 10:46 pm (UTC)
Under the seat? As in—ah—on the floor?

I probably would have eaten them too.

Nov. 1st, 2009 10:52 pm (UTC)
Yes, under the seat and on the floor. They were Swedish Fish!

(why am I not ashamed to reveal this?)

Edited at 2009-11-01 10:57 pm (UTC)
Nov. 2nd, 2009 06:57 pm (UTC)
Besides which, swedish fish taste pretty much the same the first day you open the package as they do two months later out in the air. Those puppies only get better with age. I used to eat a package after school every day in high school. Hey, they're low fat!

Man, now I'm jonesing for a fish. . .
Nov. 2nd, 2009 09:24 pm (UTC)
The container I bought at Bed Bath and Beyond (Stop looking at me like that) had the big ones and they were extra delicious. Just sayin'...
Nov. 2nd, 2009 01:22 am (UTC)
At least you're not addicted to Reese's. I'm pretty sure I'm a fiend when it comes to peanut butter infused with chocolate.
Nov. 2nd, 2009 12:41 pm (UTC)
That's perfectly understandable. I can see where it would be easy to wolf down half a dozen or so.
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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