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I'll have the Scuppernong



For reasons that would take up too many words, a colleague and I decided yesterday we were going to Hell.

"I'll meet you there at the bar," she said. And this, of course, got us wondering what the bar in Hell would be like.

"You could only order drinks that you drank in high school," she said. For me, that would be cheap wines like Boone's Farm or Tyrolia. In fact, here's the wine list from Hell A-Go-Go Lounge: ("I'll have the Scuppernong")

Other bar features that I've been thinking of:

• The cover charge is your soul.

• You won't see any "no smoking" signs, that's for sure.

• No barstools. No seats of any kind.

• No, wait, there's a table for two, but it's occupied by the two ugliest people you've ever seen, making out. Their tongues are visible.

• Bartenders who serve everybody around you, but not you, as you try to order a drink. Then they move to the other end of the bar.

• You will have the worst hangover ever before you started drinking.

• Ice for your drink? As if.

• Instead of getting salt and lemon slices with your cheap tequila, you get sidewalk de-icer and lemon rinds.

• By the way, that's the only use for sidewalk de-icer in Hell.

• A cherry in your whiskey sour? No—that's an eyeball.

• An olive in your martini? No—you don't want to know what it is.

• Flat, warm, cheap beer.

• It would be lit up like a Cadillac dealer's parking lot in a bad neighborhood.

• Because, of course, you are in a bad neighborhood.

• Too crowded to move, and no one has used any deodorant.

• Or brushed their teeth lately, for that matter.

• Satan is the bouncer, but you're not getting bounced anywhere.

• That girl/guy you had a crush on in high school/college/the workplace sidles over and starts hitting on you before suddenly saying "Ulp" and hurling on your shoes.

• The jukebox music is awful—in my case, it would be all Beach Boys—and it would be way too loud.

• Cell phone service? Do you even have to ask?

• Osama Bin Laden keeps trying to pick a fight with you by calling you a "mofo infidel."

• Long lines to the rest rooms. You'll wait in them for what seems like an eternity.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Dec. 13th, 2014 09:11 pm (UTC)
That wine list is missing two of my favorites, Boone's Farm Apple and Night Train Express Red.
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 13th, 2014 09:17 pm (UTC)
Reading the words "Night Train Express Red" gave me the whirlies.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 14th, 2014 03:45 pm (UTC)
I xan't tmagine an eternity of Koehlet Beer sloe gin, Tango or worse Lambrusco
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 14th, 2014 06:19 pm (UTC)
Tango! I couldn't think of the name.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 14th, 2014 04:37 pm (UTC)
Bar in hell
My horrible drink of "choice" was Mad Dog. And you have to say it "Mad Dog, Grrrrr."

Witches don't believe in hell, you know. We certainly believe in evil - we've seen it - but not hell. Sometimes I think that's where I am right now.

Sometimes.
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 14th, 2014 06:19 pm (UTC)
Re: Bar in hell
I like the "grrr" part.

One definition of hell could be nothing but endless meetings, especially those where nothing gets done. But I know your job isn't like that.
anita_margarita
Dec. 14th, 2014 08:10 pm (UTC)
I think Manischewitz Blackberry Wine has to be on the list. Also, all bottled cocktails.
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 14th, 2014 08:17 pm (UTC)
All of those beverages worked better as concepts.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 15th, 2014 01:01 am (UTC)
I grew up on Man-O-Manischewitz. Should you be in Hell drinking a glass it will be accompanied by your Jewish mother telling you that you are in Hell because you married a Shickza!
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 15th, 2014 04:29 am (UTC)
That'll be your problem, not mine.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 15th, 2014 04:48 am (UTC)
Ugh. I guess I'd be doomed to drink Soave Bolla. Worst. Hangover. Ever. tc
patrick_vecchio
Dec. 15th, 2014 02:22 pm (UTC)
Just the name sounds bad, like a disease related to ebola.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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