?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Violent assaults on the senses

title or description
They look bad and taste worse

I have been alive more than 59 years and have never eaten an oyster. Nor have I ever wanted to.

This afternoon, Sherry and I ate a late lunch before she went into work. Fried oysters came with the dish I ordered.

I was ready. I remembered how I had always been put off by the idea of eating anchovies, but once I tried them, I liked them. I like them so much now that they are my mojo fish.

How bad could an oyster be? After all, this week I saw Adam Richman eat something like 14 dozen of them at one sitting on "Man vs. Food."

So I cut the oyster on my plate in half. Immediately, it assaulted my nose with a horrifying blend of stenches. The strongest odor smelled like putrid mud from the flats of the nearby Allegheny River. However, I also detected whiffs of road kill, rotten eggs and undrained urinals.



I used to eat some unusual things a long, long time ago. I used to eat glass—beer glasses in bars, that is. Not the whole glass—just a bite or two. That's all it takes to draw a crowd. A nice effect of eating glass was that it cut the corners of my mouth, just a little bit, so that the blood trickled down my jaw like makeup on Alice Cooper. No worries, though.

I made sure I chewed the glass thoroughly, and I do mean thoroughly, for obvious reasons. But I quit eating glass after I was too drunk one night to do it safely (yes, that's what I said: too drunk to eat glass safely) and the glass pierced a hole all the way through my lip. It bled profusely, so much so that it soaked the sleeve of my green, gray and white plaid flannel shirt halfway up to my elbow. It made for a unique color scheme. My friend The Count thought someone had hit me and kept pestering me to tell him who it was so he could go beat the person up.

My friend Psycho used to eat glass with me. He used to snort like a feral boar when he did it. But he did something I never tried: open beer bottles with his teeth. This was before twist-off caps came along. As I recall, he savaged the enamel on his teeth so badly that he could not chew breakfast the next day. Pancakes. I ran with an interesting crowd.

Back in high school, I ate ice cream sandwiches without unwrapping them. I ate a map of Cuba from an encyclopedia. I ate lit matches. Remember the rolls of caps that cap guns would shoot back when we were kids? One time I was chewing on a roll of them and the force from my molars blew the whole roll up. I opened my mouth and all of this gunpowder smoke came out. That was pretty neat.

One time the factory I worked in was infested with white moths about the size of your pinky tip. I ate a lot of those. The Steelworkers couldn't get enough of it. When I would make my rounds (I was a mail clerk), they would make me stop to eat a moth or two. It wasn't a big deal for me, really. They loved it.

I used to put baby toads in my mouth, then walk up to unsuspecting people and stick out my tongue. Occasionally the toad would jump off. I should make it clear I did not eat the baby toads. They were too cute. And I should make it clear that my diet has been strictly conventional for more than 30 years.

And I did not eat that oyster tonight. I will never eat an oyster. If we were to carpet bomb North Korea with fried oysters, Kim Jong-un would become Kim Jong-Ill and our worries would be over.

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
nodressrehersal
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:49 pm (UTC)
Waxing Poetic
Ah, the good old days. I can still remember responding to a comment by my unbeknownst-to-me-at-the-time but future-father-in-law when he explained at the bank (where I was a teller) that he was continuing to put money in his son's childhood school savings account to give to him as a wedding present some day.

As soon as he was out of earshot, I said, "No one will ever marry his son - he's a maniac!" as I had witnessed many a glass-eating, bottle-opening floor shows at the Der Hut. Psycho, indeed.

But I'm thinking you might have gotten a bad batch of oysters. I'm fairly certain they're not supposed to smell like any one of those things. MAYBE if you substituted the word "earthy" for putrid...
patrick_vecchio
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:54 am (UTC)
Re: Waxing Poetic
If they were "earthy," then I don't want to live on that planet. Sherry thought they reeked, too, and I kept them as far away from her as I could. The ooze on the plate was an ugly grayish brown. It looked like something a sick dog would cough up.

"Floor show." I never thought of it in those terms. I wish I had!
thecriz5
Apr. 14th, 2013 04:40 am (UTC)
For a second, I thought you wrote that you ate cans of Toad's creamed chipped beef corned beef hash combo cans.
patrick_vecchio
Apr. 14th, 2013 01:44 pm (UTC)
The only hash I've taken into my body didn't come in a can.
patrick_vecchio
Apr. 14th, 2013 01:43 pm (UTC)
Re: Waxing Poetic
Is that a pic of Der Hut?
nodressrehersal
Apr. 14th, 2013 04:05 pm (UTC)
Re: Waxing Poetic
It is, indeed. Thanks, dagoogle.
(Anonymous)
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:31 pm (UTC)
My thing...dog biscuits, Milk Bone, large dog size...having a few beers and chewing on one...at some point someone in the bar would notice and ask for one...the taste not so bad...the texture akin to sawdust...the key,,,wash them down quickly with copious amounts of beer. But things change...a girl I knew at the time used to tell me what a jerk I was for doing things like that...3 months later I was dating a friend of hers...she told me that she thought i was an asshole...but now that she knew me i was a pretty nice guy...If I had only known then that I was barking up the wrong tree...funny thing...on the way home from a night of beers and biscuits I stopped at every fire hydrant between the bar and home. Holiday
patrick_vecchio
Apr. 14th, 2013 01:41 pm (UTC)
Eating dog biscuits in a bar? Classic!
(Anonymous)
Apr. 14th, 2013 10:50 pm (UTC)
Great for tartar control too!
gregorypeccary
Apr. 15th, 2013 02:09 pm (UTC)
Please clarify -- were these oysters from the sea or mountain?
patrick_vecchio
Apr. 15th, 2013 10:18 pm (UTC)
From the sea. Or from the sewer, maybe. Smelled like the latter.
(Anonymous)
Apr. 19th, 2013 02:10 pm (UTC)
I have never been able to figure out how anyone could eat a raw oyster. They look like giant lougies on a half shell. (I'm not sure if that is the correct spelling of "lougie".) I've never eaten one either. Your description of the , eh, aroma is spot on.
tvc
patrick_vecchio
Apr. 20th, 2013 02:10 am (UTC)
Urban Dictionary spells it "loogie." That's good enough for me.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

March 2017
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 

Wish I'd Said It

Nota bene: “Fear has governed my life, if I think about it. ... I always feel like I’m not good enough for some reason. I wish that wasn’t the case, but left to my own devices, that voice starts speaking up.” – Trent Reznor

“I hate to say this, but not many people care what you do. They care about what you do as much as you care about what they do. Think about it. Just exactly that much. You are not the center of the universe.” — Laurie Anderson

"The path's not yours till you've gone it alone a time." – William Carlos Williams

“Filling this empty space constitutes my identity.” – Twyla Tharp

"My definition of peace is having no noise in my head." – Eric Clapton

"The wreckage of the sky serves to confirm us in delicious error." – John Ashbery

"We are all here by the grace of the big bang. We are all literally the stuff of the stars." – Dwight Owsley

"For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream." – Vincent van Gogh

"It is only with the heart that one can see right; what is essential is invisible to the eye." — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Forget about being a perfectionist, because entropy always wins out in the end." – Darren Kaufman.

"Impermanence. Impermanence. Impermanence." – Garry Shandling

"Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion." – Mark Twain

"There is no realm wherein we have the truth." – Gordon Lish

"Actual life is full of false clues and sign-posts that lead nowhere." – E.M. Forster

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe." – Frank Zappa

“I try to leave out the parts that readers tend to skip.” – Elmore Leonard

“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” – Voltaire

• Journal title and subtitle: Ian Hunter, “Man Overboard”

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow