?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

title or description

If the Six has learned exclusively that Lance Armstrong will appear on television with Oprah Winfrey tomorrow to debunk longstanding rumors that he was not using performance-enhancing drugs during his seven consecutive Tour de France wins.

In a copy of the interview obtained in advance by this blog, Armstrong tells Oprah, "Everywhere I turned, people would look at me and whisper, 'There's Armstrong. He races in the Tour de France, but he does not cheat.' It's hurt me, my family and my sponsors."

Later, he tells Oprah, "No matter how hard I tried to tell people I was receiving illegal blood transfusions like everybody else, no one would believe me. I just couldn't shake that squeaky-clean image.

"This interview, I hope, will convince the public that I have been a liar, a cheat and a doper, just like other top competitors," he said. "To prove my point, I am asking the Amaury Sport Organisation to strip me of my seven Tour de France titles." The ASO organizes the Tour de France.

When If the Six called Armstrong for comment on this post, a woman answered the phone and said Armstrong was too busy to talk while a crazed male voice in the background yelled, "Tell him I'm not home. Besides, I'm busy in here shooting up some human growth hormone. YOU HEAR THAT, MR. REPORTER? HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE!"

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
scuba_sham
Jan. 17th, 2013 03:16 pm (UTC)
A fantastic post that's worthy of The Onion's best work.
patrick_vecchio
Jan. 17th, 2013 10:03 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Sam. That post had a lot more potential, but my brain was too tired to do more with it.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

March 2017
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 

Wish I'd Said It

Nota bene: “Fear has governed my life, if I think about it. ... I always feel like I’m not good enough for some reason. I wish that wasn’t the case, but left to my own devices, that voice starts speaking up.” – Trent Reznor

“I hate to say this, but not many people care what you do. They care about what you do as much as you care about what they do. Think about it. Just exactly that much. You are not the center of the universe.” — Laurie Anderson

"The path's not yours till you've gone it alone a time." – William Carlos Williams

“Filling this empty space constitutes my identity.” – Twyla Tharp

"My definition of peace is having no noise in my head." – Eric Clapton

"The wreckage of the sky serves to confirm us in delicious error." – John Ashbery

"We are all here by the grace of the big bang. We are all literally the stuff of the stars." – Dwight Owsley

"For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream." – Vincent van Gogh

"It is only with the heart that one can see right; what is essential is invisible to the eye." — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Forget about being a perfectionist, because entropy always wins out in the end." – Darren Kaufman.

"Impermanence. Impermanence. Impermanence." – Garry Shandling

"Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion." – Mark Twain

"There is no realm wherein we have the truth." – Gordon Lish

"Actual life is full of false clues and sign-posts that lead nowhere." – E.M. Forster

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe." – Frank Zappa

“I try to leave out the parts that readers tend to skip.” – Elmore Leonard

“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” – Voltaire

• Journal title and subtitle: Ian Hunter, “Man Overboard”

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow